Indian Universal Truths #2

Indian Universal Truths #2

7)There Are No Unemployed Artists
If a vehicle hauls anything - from hay to humans - it is decorated to the fullest degree. Indian trucks, taxis, rickshaws, peditaxis, even ox carts are covered stem to stern in slogans, initials, pictures, floral designs, and pinstripes. Usually all at once. No space is left undecorated. Even the windshields are bespangled until the barest minimum space is left to operate the vehicle to a passable degree.

Trucks, the masters of the road, in particular have taken the artform to the highest levels. We've seen trucks from every state looming up to us, passing us or heading directly towards us for hours on end, so have a pretty good idea what's out there.

Some advice for aspiring truck artists:

Know your canvas. For most truck artists it is the standard brown flatbed truck the size and roughly the same shape as a Mack truck in the US. Atop of said truck is a headboard like crown that should depict the nickname of the vehicle or home town in large multicolored script. Immediately below that is more text but in one of the local languages and I haven't the foggiest what that says. Maybe it's a translation of the first. You'll have to ask around.

All around the edges of the windshield should be stripes, huge intials of the drivers, maybe even illustrations in cut vinyl of saints, prophets, holymen or even Jesus.

On the grill it is customary to have large, rainbow-colored floral motifs, lotus flowers, flying monkeys, or scroll work designs. The entire grill should be pinstriped in every color of paint the shop has. No scrimping.

The bumper should have a pithy description of the driver's such as, "Road King" (very popular,) "Water King," "Super Fast," "King of the Road," or the trump card - "King of the Kings."

The sides, where possible, should be decorated also. "Diesel" should be stenciled on the gas tank with decorations following the same theme as the front grill.

The mudflaps are good for stencils of praying hands, flowers, elephants or the popular devil's face with extended tongue. I think he wards off demonic flat tires.

The back of the truck is wonderful for getting across a message to the world considering you'll have a large and attentive captive audience behind you as take up both lanes on the "highway". The irony won't be missed on those in the rear of your lumbering, black-smoke-beltching beast with such progressive phrases as, "Save Rain Water" and "Trees = Life". While the obvious "Black Smoke Lungs Choke" will leave folks scratching their heads wondering if you are "for" or "against". You may score more good samaritan points with the topical "Stop Aids" or "Help Childrens" or the like. This is good place to get creative so don't hold back.

Interspersed amongst the politicking it is a good idea to give immediate instructions to those behind you. No truck can be road-ready without "Stop & Proceed" or "Please Sound Horn Please" in large dayglo type.

8) The Same Words Mean Different Things
Britain was here mucking about for almost 300 years unchecked. The locals were finally able to rid themselves but were stuck with remnants of the English language.

Since all the local languages are equally Greek to us, it was confusing when English words in use in India suddenly didn't mean the same thing from one town to the next. It was as if someone was playing a trick on us.

For example, "hotel" in Kerla and Tamil means "hotel". In Telugu it means "restaurant." If you want a hotel you have to ask for a "lodge."

"Meals" is a term for a rice based all encompassing dinner, like a Hungryman from Swansons. It is great to order in a restaurant as you get 15 different cups of stuff to mix with your rice. Leaving Tamil and entering Telugu, we have learned to ask for "Thali".

In the tourist paradise of Kochi, the phrase "As you like" meant that "I have heard your request, understood it, and am now off to complete it for you." In Chennai it meant "I won't tell you the price for this cab ride and just keep saying 'As You Like.' There is an outstanding chance that if you pay whatever you think it's worth I'll get way more money out of the deal." We had to literally threaten to jump out of a cab unless we got a price. Cab drivers will do anything to be your driver for your entire stay, camping out in their car outside your hotel, just for chance to fleece you royally.

In Tamil "Autos" are autorickshaws and "rickshaw" is a bicycle rickshaw. I have no idea what they call the footpowered rickshaws. In Telugu cars are "autos" and autorickshaws are "mini-taxis". There are "4 in all" and "7 in all" sizes of autorickshaws unlike the rest of Southern India although they seem to pack in how ever many they like.

9) Techo is Music to Eat By
There hasn't been a restaurant to date that wasn't blasting the most insipid Euro-Techno loudly. Today was the first day we entered a restuarant and they were playing something with local Indian flair. It was our hotel restaurant which surprised us greatly as they hadn't deveated from the norm prior. We weren't there 2 minutes before they switched to the techno. I went so far as to comment on how the previous music was so nice and ask what it was. Our waiter had no idea and kept smiling.

Maybe the idea is that you'll eat faster and get out.

10) To a Westerner India Looks Swishy
Public displays of affection are strictly forbidden...unless you are men. In a culture where marriages between a man and a woman are rarely for love, the long-lasting emotional relationships in our life, as a man, are with other men. Men aren't allowed to touch women publically if the women were ever seen outside, which they aren't. For men, holding hands, walking with arms around shoulders, riding on a tiny moped, 3 to a seat is quite normal and occuring every 5 feet in India. This cultural norm is expressed by males from the smallest boys to the oldest men. They are sitting in parks, under trees, seemingly cuddling to our Western eyes. There are male beauty parlors everywhere with no female versions that I've seen. Men can where nail polish here. Their bars are all men listening to Euro dance music from the mid-Eighties. They put vinyl slogans on their cars such as "Flamboyant". There are billboards all over town with hunky, nearly naked men selling tiny briefs with the headline, "Prepare To Be Assaulted."

Homosexuality is illegal in India. Acting like it isn't.